Vladimir Tarasenko: Fastest Learner | What is the most important thing to focus on as a foreign player coming to North America to play in the NHL for the first time? Is it adjusting to the smaller ice, learning new systems, mastering the language, becoming comfortable with teammates? If you think it’s any of these, you’re wrong. The most important thing is to learn, and follow, your team’s long-standing and unwavering traditions. Vladimir Tarasenko did just that. As the Blues are the ASPCA of the NHL, it’s important that every new player adopts the pet-loving and pet-saving practices that the Blues have specialized in for centuries. Tarasenko has the qtest dog of all time, but he also possesses the pure animal-loving quality required to play for the Blues.

Barret Jackman: Rocket Reichard | Offensive dynamo Jackman scored so many goals for the Blues this season that JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX JAX.

Jaden Schwartz: Best Second Fiddle To Fiddle His Way To The Top | Let’s be real for a second. There were two rookies on the Blues to start the season, and one got all of the attention. That one was not Jaden Schwartz. Schwartz bounced from the first line to the fourth line and back again throughout the season, not because of poor play but because the coaching staff trusted him in many different roles. He did what was asked of him to little fanfare. He had a good season, and really turned it up towards the end, making him a shoo-in for the playoffs. And what a playoffs he had. He is the player who came in second in all of the events on Nickeloden’s GUTS but then totally killed it on the Aggro Crag, securing a come from behind victory. Schwartz made people notice him not by his name or hype or attention, but by his play. This award is very well deserved.

Jake Allen: Most Likely to Calm Down An Entire City Because Thank Fuck You Showed Up

Thank you Jake Allen.

David Perron: Most Worst PIMs | David Perron took 44 PIMs in 48 games. All minor penalties. I am a David Perron fan and often a David Perron apologist, but COME ON PERRY. This award could be called “Most Likely to Deplete Momentum” or “Most Likely to Incite Eye-rolls” or “Best At Keeping The Penalty Box Door Opener Company”. But we still appreciate you and your talent, so we give you this award for 2013.

Jay Bouwmeester: Most Likely To Michelle Kwan AND Most Electric | Holy cow! Jay Bouwmeester is one of the only Blues to walk away with two Bluescars in this year’s ceremony, and he was only on the team for a few weeks. We’d all heard about Bouwmeester’s skating ability and we’d all seen him skate when he played against the Blues four times a year. But after he joined the Blues, we really started to take note of how great of a skater he really is. He’s a fucking gazelle out there. US Weekly reports that several female ice-skaters have contacted Bouwmeester, hoping to secure him as a partner for Sochi 2014. When asked about the recent attention thrown his way, the always talkative Bouwmeester said, “Heh, yeah”. Congratulations on your Most Likely to Michelle Kwan and Most Electric awards, Jay! We think you’ll think they’re “nice”.

Adam Cracknell: Most Deserving of a One-Way Deal | The C of CPR. The Nell of Portnell. A player who is not the swiftest of foot, he hustles like no other. Remember when he was ready about 6 hours too early for his first NHL game? And he literally peed himself after he scored his first NHL goal? He has passion for the game that is exciting to see. An important part of the team, Cracknell deserves a one-way contract with the Blues.

TJ Oshie: Most Likely to “Make It Work” | Henrik Lundqvist who? While many players choose the classic (but somewhat tired) black suit, TJ Oshie goes for it with plaid suits and pink pants. He’s not afraid to take fashion risks. He’s been named “Best Dressed NHL Player” by The Economist and was given the “Wow! Look At Him” award by Concise Rules of APA Style. When attending NHLPA meetings over the summer, fall, and winter, Oshie was greeted with a standing ovation by his peers whenever he entered the room. Because of his keen eye for what’s hot and what’s not, we present Oshie with this very prestigious award. Tim Gunn would be proud.